Attack of the Resolutionists

Every year I hope it doesn’t come. Every year I hope against hope that the inevitable will somehow be avoided and peace will reign. I cross my fingers, watch the New Year’s Eve ball drop and pray that the Resolutionists won’t come, I pray that this year will be the year we are spared their terrible onslaught, but they always come. Once that clock strikes midnight, millions of Americans are infected with the Resolution virus and spawn a mass army of New Year joy fueled “This year I’m going to…” mania. They amass as a unified force to invade the common person’s stomping grounds and take over. 

You’ll notice them immediately. Once normal coworkers or friends will be reading some new book, touting some new diet, packing a strange lunch they must concoct in the break room; they’ll begin telling you all about the virtues and minutia of gym workouts and how amazing it is getting up an hour early to go for a three mile run. You may notice a group of them flocked together to go for a mid day lunch walk while you’re at work. They huddle together while they dominate the sidewalk but charge ahead like brain starving zombies on a quest to find fresh meat. The produce section of supermarkets will appear to have been ransacked leaving nothing but a few bruised gala apples, some smashed grapes and of course the eggplant (does anyone know how to cook them properly). Oddly enough the broccoli is usually the first to be devoured, and if you ask me that’s just fine. Resolutionists deserve that bit of torture ;-)

One place you’ll be able to spot a Resolutionist is at the gym. One of the most frequent accompanying phrases to the “This year I’m going to…” battle cry is “go to the gym more often,” much to my chagrin. See I’ve been a devout weight trainer for years. I do in fact stick with it. So you can imagine my frustration in January and February (sometimes into March for the truly fanatical Resolutionist) when the floor of the gym is inundated with newly christened health nuts bent on questing for a perfect Greek body, but lacking any common sense or any basic knowledge of body building techniques, or basic gym etiquette for that matter. I’ve found it humorous and infuriating all at the same time watching these people struggle at something they’ve ill-prepared themselves for. 

Trust me, at 12:01 am, January 1^st, on whatever year it may be saying “This year I’m going to go to the gym more often,” is nowhere near enough prep time to truly set yourself up for success. Off handed motivational decrees usually wind up on the mental rubbish heap specifically because they were rash, off the cuff quips. Yes they may have meant it when they said it, but Resolutionists lack proper motivation, resolve, and persistence. Therein lies their greatest weakness; like the may fly, the Resolutionist has a very short shelf life. By late winter, early spring their mass army has been decimated by pizza, tacos, TV, the couch, and lethargy. Temptation is their mortal enemy, and it destroys every Resolutionist army every year without fail. For the Resolutionist, as initially motivated as they are, simply cannot win. They are destined to lose because in their minds the first failure is their ultimate defeat. They fail, pack it in, and call it a year.

In response to this horrible onslaught we suffer every year, I call on you to rise up, not as a Resolutionist, but as a Healthinista! Devote yourself to overall health, mind, body, soul, perspective. Base your actions on overall life goals, mapped out for the improvement of all aspects of your life, not just some whimsical “This year I’m going to…”decree. Start slow, start right, get informed, and keep at it even if you fail. In fact if you fall off the wagon get right back up. Revel in your own persistence to keep trying even though the first or even tenth time you’re still trying to get it right. Motivate yourself through your failures to try again, Each time. Rise up, take charge of your life and help defeat the mediocre armies of the Resolutionists!

Thanks for reading. Questions and comments are always welcome.