Where Am I Going?

Douglas Clark
-Head writer, The Inspiration Engine

Have you ever been working on something so long you kind of lose sight of the point of it all? It’s kind of like wondering if everything you’ve done is really leading you somewhere or perhaps every choice you’ve ever made is just some random ping pong like course you’re chaotically leading through life.

I’m going to be completely honest with you. I have six months to go before I’m 40. For a long time it didn’t make any difference to me. Most of the time, age is just a number. But the more I thought about it, and the closer it approached, I realized 40 is more than my age. On May 15^th, it will mark the fact that so far, I’ve had 40 years to accomplish everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

Now that’s not to say I was on a deadline and not finishing by my 40^th birthday means I failed. Actually, it reminds me of all the time I’ve wasted. You see, I like to be busy, the more I have to do, the better I can do everything (up until I burn out that is). When I’ve got all the time in the world and I don’t have to rush or worry, or even really care what the clock says, I kind of just procrastinate. 

Remember that old cliché, “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.”? Well that is me, at least where work is concerned. When it comes to my personal goals, well, I kind of slack off. You know the feeling right?

Granted, I’ve written two novels, a host of short stories and poems, and two plus years of blog posts. But in my head, I remember all the times I didn’t write, all the times I didn’t capitalize on the few minutes here and the few minutes there I could have written just a little more. Also, I think of where I’ve been, the places I’ve visited, how far I’ve advanced (or not advanced depending on your perspective) and sometimes I wonder if I’ve shortchanged myself.

Even when I failed miserably, couldn’t achieve the goal I set, got tired, etc., I usually feel like I could have done better, or if I tried again with a different approach, I could do better. I don’t think I’m a perfectionist, but I am persistent. Putting all this together, though, I still wonder, where am I going?

To put it another way, the question I’m faced with is this: How efficient have I been with my 40 years of life? Will I do better going forward?

I could have done better; I could have done worse. The reality of it is I am where I am, simple as that. As happy or dissatisfied as I am with my life thus far, I can’t change it. The only thing I can do is try to make the next 40 years, or however much more I have left better, more enjoyable, more fulfilling and fruitful.

The future has no form. It’s my job to mold my present to help make tomorrow more to my liking.

Do you know where you’re going?

Thanks for reading.

Questions and comments welcome.

DouglasHClark.com

Let the Emotion Out

Douglas Clark
-Head writer, The Inspiration Engine

When it comes to fiction writing I've been asked why I don't write more happy stories. I receive comments from time to time that my stories are gritty, full of emotion, profound and a lot of times, dark. My response to that is, I always strive for an emotional response. You see to me, reading is about expression. 

My experiences in life taught me to engage those feelings and come to terms with them. I guess for some writers it would be easy to put aside all of their personal experiences and just write happy stories. After all, for some writers and readers literature is an escape from reality, finding a way to disconnect from troubling things.

I've always thought of literature as exploration of the mind, dreams, feelings, fantasies, and of course the ‘what ifs’. Many times I find I want to convey a specific feeling or explore a certain possibility that my characters need or should experience. Personal growth has always been important to me and I try to challenge my characters so they too can grow and in some small way my readers can grow too.

So why can't my stories be sweet and happy? I suppose if I purposefully wrote a story specifically focusing on the happy, I could. However I have found that life resonates and provides the most meaning through a range of emotions, positive and negative. There are happy and sad moments in my stories, interludes of joy and pain, bursts of recrimination or adulation, flashes of excitement and floods of despair. The lasting effect on the reader lies in leading them through a gauntlet of emotion ending at a resolution that is satisfying and reasonable.

I've read stories where it seemed very jarring and almost disturbing learning the fate of some characters. There's been a few times where I thought Stephen King might have been a bit too harsh, even on his antagonist. But that's my simple opinion. Considering all this, perhaps it is time to focus on a happy tale of joy and fun. I'm sure there is plenty to learn and experience from a straightforward heartwarming tale.

Now where should I start, children at play, a game of chance, friends reuniting, or a first love? You see, emotions come from just about anywhere and the stories will follow. Life is like that I guess. If you pay attention long enough you'll actually learn something. I for one am still learning after all these years and I don't plan on stopping, how about you?

Thanks for reading. 

Questions and comments are welcome.

The Supernova Dream

by Douglas Clark

I wish there was a way to make my dreams come true. I mean an easy way. Doesn't it just seem like everything we want is always hard, involves tons of work, discipline, and determination, and takes so damned long, it makes you wonder why the hell you tried in the first place. When someone says "If it were easy, everyone would do it" or "Nothing worth doing is easy", why is that true?

I think the answer, in a word is Imagination. Life is the way it is. Nothing more, nothing less. But a human's ability to daydream, imagine the 'what ifs' and yearn for something more makes reality that much harder to simply accept. We know that things can be different, we understand that through our decisions, actions, efforts, and aspirations, we can make a difference. 

Without the recognition that we can change the world, we'd all just be worker ants, drones, the type of zombified shadows that drudge through life merely existing and not living. Without ambition and imagination, we would accomplish nothing new, and when we expired, no trace of our uniqueness would remain. 

Power, greatness, immortality, these elements make for great motivators, not just in stories, but in life. We can't have it all, and as mortal beings, we know this. But as imaginative creatures we yearn for that thing just out of reach, just over the horizon, barely possible, so that we can leave our mark on existence.

Dreams are hard because they are up against the cold harsh truth that in our reality, so very little of us remains once we are gone. And while we are here, so very much else drowns out our fragile individuality. 

Our dreams give glimpses of who we are, what we long for, and what we long to leave behind. Like mini supernovas, a dream realized is still a brief flash in the universe that nudges attention toward it, for just a moment. When you realize a dream, you tell the universe, I was here and I mattered. And it listens. 

Go nudge the universe. 

Thanks for reading.
Questions and comments are welcome. 

Be a Boat Rocker

Douglas Clark
-Head writer, The Inspiration Engine

Sometimes, rocking the boat is just the shake up you need to get your life on a different course. Making a transition can totally alter your perception of life. It's a curious thing to realize that after getting so used to something one way, we can become so rigid and unwilling to try any other way. Life in our modern age is built on routine. This routine provides structure and a foundation we can rely on and expand.

However, if we become too complacent or dependent on that routine, we can become my lethargic and apathetic. I've noticed that as much as I love routine and structure, if I don't break it up a bit and deliberately introduce new challenges, I get demotivated. I think the desire to remain surrounded by the known factors in life can be so strong, it overrides the need to explore new things, especially since deviating from the known can result in great failure, personal pain, or professional setbacks.

Sometimes, however, disturbing up the apple cart is exactly what you need. The last time I switched jobs I experienced a serious amount of change. My morning routine, my workouts, break times, commute, and of course my basic job all changed. It scared me. How could I maintain all that I achieved by screwing with the status quo? Well, the status quo what is the exact thing that needed to change.

Doing the same thing over and over can help you accomplish a great deal, but eventually there comes a need to shift gears and try something new. Otherwise you will only get so far and then stall out. Making that change forces you to try something new, but it also exposes you to alternatives that you might not have ever considered otherwise. Don't let complacency fool you into thinking you are being responsible. Challenging yourself to grow is a reasonable course of action. 

For me, my mind began playing with the idea of waking up much earlier, going to bed before 10 p.m. (shocking right?), I even began thinking about how my diet and exercise schedule would change and how it would benefit me. Now I know change is scary, intimidating and hard, but focusing on the improvements it brings is what provides the motivation and encouragement we need to keep growing and improving.

No one ever changed the world by maintaining the status quo, so how can life get any better with the same old same old? Make a change for the better. It will be worth it.

Thanks for reading.

Questions and comments are welcome. 

DouglasHClark.com

What Legacy to Leave

No legacy is so rich as honesty. (All’s Well that Ends Well -- Act iii, Sc. 5) William Shakespeare

Have you ever thought about life after your own? I’m not talking about anything supernatural, heaven, or the afterlife. I’m talking about the impression you leave behind after you are gone. It’s an unavoidable truth that one day each of us will draw our last breath and part from this world. In a way it makes all that we do and all that we say that much more poignant and precious, because we only get one chance. Think for a moment of what life would be like without you. All of society will roll on just as it has before you, only now, if you’ve done it right, you’ll have left a mark that is immutable and distinctly you. I think leaving a legacy of good behind is vital.

For argument’s sake let’s say we all have 100 years of earthly life given to us. What will you do with that time? Each life is different and unique and the choices we make mold and shape that life and us into the individuals we all are. Some of those choices are good, some bad. What we do with those lives is entirely up to us. There are those who are self-centered and egotistical, searching only for things that make themselves happy. There are those who strive for altruism and look out for others, doing whatever they can to better the lives of those around them. Many of us fall somewhere in between, which is to say we try to live good lives and occasionally put ourselves first in the pecking order of life. Now that’s not a bad thing because if you can’t take care of yourself you can’t take care of anyone else; it’s the balance between selfishness and givingness that’s the key. We can’t all get everything we’ve ever wanted, that’s just unrealistic and if you devote your life to acquisition, whether it be for fame, fortune or power, you may very well achieve those goals, but when it’s all over, what do you leave behind?

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say what you leave behind should be a positive thing. Although, it might be hard to say exactly what counts as valuable in a subjective sense; one person might say a fortune left to heirs is positive, another might say the example of a good life is better. Even others might say the propagation of their religion or ideology is paramount. So what is positive, and what counts as a lasting legacy of good?

My belief is that if you continue to learn and improve on the person you were yesterday, avoid making the same mistakes, keep an open mind, learn from other people the best you can, and never give up to apathy and despair, your life will continue to improve. Striving to an ideal is great so long as you only compare yourself to what you have achieved, not what you think you should be. We all know no one is perfect, but continual self-improvement is an example everyone that knows you can take with them and emulate, as well as pass on to others. 

Over the course of a lifetime, you can make a difference. If you continually fail, try another approach, seek advice, model yourself after those who have succeeded and keep going. If you only have 100 years to make a life worth knowing about, each moment is precious, but they are also opportunities to reassert yourself and move forward. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Think of it this way, if your life was a book, would anyone want to read about it? I for one want to leave behind a best seller. What about you?

Thanks for reading. Questions and Comments are welcome. 

Life is a Grand Thing!

I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.  ~Agatha Christie

What can we learn from dear Agatha? Well, besides her penchant for solving murders of her own design, she’s letting us know that every day we are alive is a chance to make things anew, to better ourselves and our situations and at the very least, start over.

I would argue that life is a gift. To some that might seem like a trite and superfluous statement. They might say life is just a result of natural forces coming into play. Others might argue that there’s a grand design for my life and it was ‘meant to be.’ Either way, I can’t know the answer for sure why I am alive, but I can tell you since I’m here, I’m going to make damn sure I make my time worth it.

Sometimes it is so very hard to find purpose and meaning in our own personal agonies. ‘Racked with sorrow’ is such a powerful statement. The meaning is clear; sometimes life hurts so much there seems to be nothing we can do to stop the pain. But it reminds me of another quote I once heard:

"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."  ~Author Unknown

There is no perfect or normal life, there’s just life. The good and the bad play an intricate part in shaping our lives and our selves. How we define ourselves out of those experiences is what matters. Persevering and overcoming the negative forges determination, but focusing on the positive is what will make you happy. It is not enough to merely survive the rigors of life. Learn from the bad, but relish the good. Choose to see the wonder life has to offer, not the pain it can bring. None of this is easy. But remember, life is a grand thing. You just need to see it that way.

Thanks for reading. Questions and comments are welcome.  

How Do You Deal With The In Between Time?

Douglas Clark
-Head writer, The Inspiration Engine

I heard a story once where someone said “Live the dash”. The sentiment here comes from the notion that when you die, your grave stone would say something like 1975-2075. That little dash in the middle encompasses all of your life: every little thing, every big thing, every sadness, every joy, all your relationships and accomplishments, the failures and triumphs, the crushing defeats and the wonderful experiences, all you’ve ever known and all you will ever do. The advice here was to live that dash to its fullest, with the deepest of meanings and the greatest appreciation possible. That’s a pretty nice sentiment isn’t it? But I’m wondering something. Not every moment of your life is a mind-blowing experience of joy, or a heart wrenching assault of painful sorrow. You can’t fill every moment with some really cool experience, it’s just not possible. Even if you tried (which might be cool for a while), you’d be exhausted and need some down time anyway. No, what I’m thinking about is those moments, those days or weeks, even years perhaps where what you want and what you are striving for are still in the distance.

The day-to-day minutiae of your mission might not be exciting, or news worth, hell it might even seem boring. Working hard for a goal at times may seem arduously tedious. So in that situation, how do you relish the time you’re spending when it’s so banal? For me, I’ve noticed that sometimes I’ll daydream of that better day, imagining just when things get better or when I actually do achieve that forthcoming milestone. For example, writing my thesis was in fact the hardest academic endeavor I ever undertook. Let me tell you, I went through so many reviews I thought I was going to go insane. I read and re-read that thing so many times I knew the narrative by heart and could recite it without even reading it. So even though I knew the entire endeavor was worth it, that tedium seemed a bit much to try and appreciate as having great value. Obviously the work was necessary, but it’s hard to live that dash in a situation like that. So I imagined the finished product, the final version of my thesis and how awesome it would be. Doing that got me through. I guess in that case my daydreaming really paid off. Daydreaming can’t always be the answer, but is it realistic to think there’s a simple answer to dealing with tedium and boredom on your way to living the dash? Probably not, and my guess is a lot of trial and error is necessary to find the proper answer.

I do know one thing, concentrating on the negative aspects of your ‘down time’ is never going to help. The one constant in life is change. Regardless of whether or not you want to, you will change, physically, mentally, emotionally; it’s a product of being a living being in a dynamic society. That’s why the dull drums and boring minutiae of life are not things to concentrate on while you are striving toward your goals and living your mission. They won’t last. But they will change, whether you seek it or not. If you can recognize that change fast enough, well, you just might be able to make ‘living the dash’ something someone will want to write about in your obituary. And by the way, it just might make your life’s experience that much more awesome. Who wouldn’t want that?

Thanks for reading. Questions and comments are always welcome.  

Most of us regard good luck as our right, and bad luck as a betrayal of that right.

- William Feather (read about him here)

Disappointment can be a hard thing to deal with, especially if you’ve worked really hard at something.  Putting forth real effort to reach your goal, to drive toward your mission is always a great achievement, but there’s something so deflating when you don’t reach your goal due to no fault of your own.  Sometimes, things or people get in your way and you fail, not because you didn’t try, but because your efforts were thwarted by circumstances, or by other people.  Unfortunately, you may encounter people in your life who actually try to sabotage your endeavors.  Sometimes they do this because they are ignorant of your aims and inadvertently get in the way.  Sometimes, they are deliberately vindictive or jealous, and actively attempt to ruin your work.  Yes, there is that type of ugliness in the world and I’m sure you have experienced it.  I myself have been the target of nefarious individuals at one time or another in my life.  And let me tell you it is not pleasant. 

It would be one thing to fail because you gave up, or because you simply weren’t good enough, but when another individual deliberately stands in your way and tries to make you fail, it’s a despicable thing.  So how do you handle that?  What do you do?  It would be a cope out to say ‘just live with it’ and it would also be dismissive to say ‘just think positively.’  Those cliché type pieces of advice don’t really help at all.  If you really do have someone that is deliberately trying to sabotage your goals, the best thing to do is eliminate them from your life.  Cut them out completely and do not let them back in.  I knew someone that took every opportunity to try and degrade me, insult me, slander my name and deliberately lie about me to try and influence people to dislike me.  I know the quality of my character and anyone worth knowing would take the time to get to know me as a person, not just the lies of a malcontent trying to break someone down instead of building themselves up.  As soon as I cut off all contact with that person and redirected my life on a new course, guess what!  My life became so much more enjoyable, meaningful, and most of all, positive. 

You DO NOT have to allow negative, self-interested and destructive people into your life.  If you have found someone like that has crept in, evict them.  You are the one that has to live your life and the world will make it difficult just by its nature.  Don’t assist the forces of despair and negativity.  Situate yourself so positive, uplifting people can assist you in your goals, and help drive you toward your mission.  That way, when disappointment does strike, it will have much less power than it would otherwise.  Positivity is great, but structuring your life to accentuate the positiveness of the people around you is even better.  Go ahead, set yourself up for success!

Happy Birthday

So it may surprise you to know that today is my birthday.  Yes the conductor of The Inspiration Engine is turning one year older.  I like to think of it as turning one year better.  Now to be honest, I don’t really pay too much attention to birthdays.  It’s not that I don’t care about them; it’s just that to me, a lot of times, it seems repetitive and arbitrary.  However, there is a certain value in reflecting on the past year and seeing if you’ve managed to improve, learn, better yourself, and continue to drive toward the goals of your life mission.  So in that regard, birthdays are a great thing. 

On a personal level I can say that I’m doing pretty well.  Now I’d like to bitch about little things, stuff that irritates me, and stuff that continually hounds me even despite my best efforts to irradiate them from my life.   And trust me, I’ve got some monsters. Well, such is life I suppose.  But I’m not lacking for simple needs and compared to most of the world I’m doing pretty damn well.  I can say there are some things I’ve tried over the last year that have not been very successful, although I’ve had a few successes to counteract the negative.  And I like and need to focus on the positive, as most of you should too.  Some of the most impressive and personally rewarding goals include finishing my thesis and graduating with a master’s degree, taking an acting class (which was hella fun), starting to play the saxophone, continuing to write on my novel, This Blog; actually the list goes on.  To be clear, I’m not bragging.  So why am I telling you this? Because your list should go on and on too.

I look at life like an unfinished book.  Each day adds a page to a certain chapter. And I guess each birthday can mark a new chapter.  Each chapter should be as full of detail and amazing experiences as possible.  Now I know each page can’t be an adventure story, but it would be great if each chapter was.  At the end of my life, I want to look back at my ‘book’ and see that it’s a gigantic story, written not just in one book, but volumes of books.  You can’t get that kind of narrative from sitting on the couch and wishing for ‘what if’ or ‘if only’.  So my birthday comes once a year and I reflect on what I’ve done and what I will be doing, not ‘what if’ I did something, or ‘if only’ I tried. 

So, get out there and start writing your life’s story and make it a long adventure!

Feel free to leave a comment or a question.  I'd love to hear what you're thinking!

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure

- Bill Cosby

A friend of mine asked me once, what I thought of the past and what would I do to change it if I could.  Now I thought about that for a while and had a lot of different exotic and strange ideas.  My natural tendency to lean toward Sci-Fi and fantasy stories led me down a path of great adventure and amazing story telling.  But then I stopped and really thought about what it would mean to change the past, I mean really alter what has happened in my life.  How would I know what would be different if I chose not to go to college, not join the navy, not get married, not get divorced, not have a child. 

The more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me that even though I had regrets and have made some massive mistakes, I couldn’t change a thing.  You see, I have come to understand myself in a way that is much more profound and true as compared to when I was younger.  I’ve been through some really hard times, emotionally.  But I’ve learned from those experiences.  All this contemplation led me to answer my friend thusly:

"All of my regrets, all my failures, all my successes and wins, everything I've every said, felt, every relationship and friendship, my feelings, thoughts, actions, desires and dreams, my experiences and perceptions make my life what it is today. Although at times I might begrudge too harshly the negatives and under-appreciate the positive, All of these things create the essence of who I am. If I tug at the loose strings of the tapestry of my life, it would unravel into the chaotic turmoil of the unknown. Who I am would be lost. In its place would be a void. Trite and fanciful fantasies of altering my life by rearranging my past only stands to cast shadow on my future..." (I felt so strongly about this answer, I put it on my quotes page on fb, in case you find it there.)

My past isn’t perfect and neither will my future, but I’m getting better at being me every day, and in the end, that’s a pretty good thing.  I hope that you can say the same!

While there's life, there's hope.

- Marcus Tullius Cicero.   

Struggles of life

There will always be struggles in your life.  Things will always present themselves that seem insurmountable, unbelievable, and oppressive.  In short, life is a challenge.  In fact, life is the single greatest challenge you will ever face.  It’s difficult by nature, unforgiving and callous too.  You will suffer, you will despair, you will cry and you will feel sorrow.  It’s unavoidable.  But guess what!  There is good news, and it is this: There is Hope.  As our famous quote from Cicero states, while there is life, there’s hope.  Do you know what that means?  It means that life doesn’t have to be all gloom and doom.  Every moment you live is a chance to turn things around, change your perspective, find your focus, achieve your goals, and continue on your mission.  All you need is hope. 

So, what is hope and why is it special.

Pandora’s box 

The ancient Greek myth of Pandora’s Box tells us that even though the world is full of hateful, evil things, not all is lost.  Pandora was unable to resist the temptation of looking inside the box Zeus had given her, but she managed to close it before the one positive thing inside was lost; that thing was hope.  The ancient Greeks understood the power of Hope.  Hope is the power to change your perspective in order to find the positive path.  Even if all things seem lost, as long as you have hope, things might just change for the better.  Now, it takes more than hope to make a positive impact against your struggles, but hope is the start.  

Keeping your personal hope alive

In your day-to-day life, how do you prevent all the negative, dark, and destructive elements from poisoning you with despair and insecurity?  You start with being open to the possibility that things can be different.  At first, you don’t even have to believe that things Will change, just that they might or could change.  That’s where you begin.  Cherish that idea of change, nurture it with constant attention until you start to believe that change Will come.  Remember, it’s your mindset we are focusing on here.  Your hope for the future doesn’t have to be a false one, as long as you continue to develop a solid foundation of positiveness.  That’s what hope can do for you. 

It won’t happen overnight, but keeping hope alive keeps your future alive.  Believing life can change for the better is the first step in making a better life a reality.  You can do it, and it starts with Hope.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to post.  Thanks for reading.  

What’s the price of your dream?

Ocean of Dreams

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you were willing to sacrifice everything else to get it?  There are so many choices we have to make in life, sometimes it’s difficult to know what to sacrifice and what to hold on to.  Dreams can be powerful motivators in directing your life to a positive state.  However, dreams can be destructive gremlins that ruin everything else if you let them.  It’s okay to have a dream, to want it fulfilled and live the way you want to live, but it always comes at a price.  I’ve heard it said, you have to give to get.  Well I’m sure that’s true, but how much should you give, and how much should you get back?  If you haven’t realized yet, I’m talking about balance.  When your life is balanced, things make sense.  When you are off kilter, things are confusing.  So, if you have a dream and are willing to sacrifice everything else to get it, will that balance your life?  To me, the easy answer is no.

When I was in college, I wanted to graduate.  Obviously graduation represented an accomplishment and proof to the world that I achieved something extraordinary.  Graduating also meant I could get a better job.  But also, and even more important to me, were the experiences I gained while in school.  Yes it was important to get an education, it was important to have credentials and documents, but I was not willing to sacrifice everything to get it.  I read about some people who sacrifice things in advance without knowing the consequences, and it’s sad.  Was their dream to be mired in debt for life?  Of course not, but it goes to show you life can be tipped off balance easily if you don’t pay attention to details.  I worked through college just like a lot of other students.  I also knew exactly why I was there.  And, coming from a poor family, I understood the value of every dollar I earned and spent.  I had to balance my dreams with my reality. 

It’s hard to find balance sometimes.  It may be that you will have to suffer before you come to understand.  I know that’s not comforting, but it is reassuring to know if you pay attention to those details I was talking about, you will find that balance… eventually.  Following your dreams is a worthy endeavor.  Don’t stop.  Just remember that there are many paths to go down in your pursuit.  If something seems way too difficult, complex, or confusing, stop.  You don’t have to change your dream, just change the path you take to get there.  That way, you can still follow your dream without sacrificing everything else you care about to get it.  And that’s a good balance in life!

This amazing painting is by Josephine Wall; it's called Ocean of Dreams.  Check out her online gallery.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to reply.  Thanks for reading!

Be not the first by which a new thing is tried, or the last to lay the old aside

- Alexander Pope.

Changing times call for new experiences.  I think Alexander's quote speaks to that fact.  At its very core, I thin the meaning of this quote is telling us to at least try, make the attempt at doing.  You don't have to be the first to try something, just don't be the last.  If you have a mission in life, a purpose, or a passion,  making the attempt at bringing it to life is important.  Do not wait and let the world pass you by.  The time is now!