Sometimes, I just have no idea where the day will take me. I go to
work, do my chores, take care of my responsibilities, and try to make the
weekend a fun and enjoyable time, before I have to go back to work and do it
all over again. They call it the Rat Race. Have you ever heard of this? It’s
pretty much a zero sum game where you don’t really lose, but you don’t really
win much either. To me it’s a mediocre way of living. I’ve always been goal
oriented. To be fair though, there have been times where my goals sat quietly in
the back of my mind, buried under a mountain of crap I called responsibilities and
used as an excuse to not go after the things I really wanted. For years, I wouldn’t
write a word but still fantasized about being a writer. Man I was in love with
the idea of being a writer for so long. That’s the danger of being a dreamer;
nothing gets done. That’s why I plan, so I don’t have to worry about where the
day takes me; I try and let the day worry where I’ll lead it.
Life doesn’t always work out the way we planned. However obvious that
may seem, it still sucks. I wanted to be a published author by the time I was
thirty. That didn’t happen, of course I have only my procrastination to blame.
It’s not only writing that I procrastinated on. I wanted to be in shape and
healthy. Instead, during my early thirties, I got fat, out of shape and
depressed. Things really sucked for a while there. You know why, because back
then I wasn’t taking charge of my life, I wasn’t working toward my goals.
Basically I was drifting on a course not my own, being driven by forces I let
take control. It wasn’t until I decided
I needed to be in direct control that things got better.
Note I said got better, not great, or awesome, or perfect. For as far
as I have come in the last few years, I still have a long way to go. Sometimes,
I still struggle with that pesky procrastination. what's worse is I do suffer occasional
bouts of self-doubt, a lack of confidence, and diminished self-esteem. Why does
this happen? I’m sure it happens to everyone, but sometimes I get so trapped
inside my own head, it’s hard to see others' perspectives. See, we talk to
ourselves, some call it a conscience, and others call it an inner monologue.
Whatever moniker you use, if it’s not directed in a positive way, that little
voice can whisper terrible little lies; what’s worse, we can start to believe
them. I’ve caught myself, just recently listening to that whisper in my head
saying things like ‘you can’t,’ 'you’re not good enough,’ or ‘don’t bother
trying.’
Don’t believe that negativity. It’s a constant battle to ward off the
negative and unproductive dark side, at least for me. I know some people that
seem to be positive and cheerful all the time. If I could be I would.
Unfortunately I am who I am. As you are who you are. Knowing who you are is one
thing; just don’t accept it as an end product. You have your whole life to make
improvements. I’ve decided to keep trying, even if it takes the rest of my life
to get better. Otherwise I’ll just be a slave to the day. And who wants that?
Thanks for reading. Comments and questions are always welcome.
