Where Am I Going?

Douglas Clark
-Head writer, The Inspiration Engine

Have you ever been working on something so long you kind of lose sight of the point of it all? It’s kind of like wondering if everything you’ve done is really leading you somewhere or perhaps every choice you’ve ever made is just some random ping pong like course you’re chaotically leading through life.

I’m going to be completely honest with you. I have six months to go before I’m 40. For a long time it didn’t make any difference to me. Most of the time, age is just a number. But the more I thought about it, and the closer it approached, I realized 40 is more than my age. On May 15^th, it will mark the fact that so far, I’ve had 40 years to accomplish everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

Now that’s not to say I was on a deadline and not finishing by my 40^th birthday means I failed. Actually, it reminds me of all the time I’ve wasted. You see, I like to be busy, the more I have to do, the better I can do everything (up until I burn out that is). When I’ve got all the time in the world and I don’t have to rush or worry, or even really care what the clock says, I kind of just procrastinate. 

Remember that old cliché, “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.”? Well that is me, at least where work is concerned. When it comes to my personal goals, well, I kind of slack off. You know the feeling right?

Granted, I’ve written two novels, a host of short stories and poems, and two plus years of blog posts. But in my head, I remember all the times I didn’t write, all the times I didn’t capitalize on the few minutes here and the few minutes there I could have written just a little more. Also, I think of where I’ve been, the places I’ve visited, how far I’ve advanced (or not advanced depending on your perspective) and sometimes I wonder if I’ve shortchanged myself.

Even when I failed miserably, couldn’t achieve the goal I set, got tired, etc., I usually feel like I could have done better, or if I tried again with a different approach, I could do better. I don’t think I’m a perfectionist, but I am persistent. Putting all this together, though, I still wonder, where am I going?

To put it another way, the question I’m faced with is this: How efficient have I been with my 40 years of life? Will I do better going forward?

I could have done better; I could have done worse. The reality of it is I am where I am, simple as that. As happy or dissatisfied as I am with my life thus far, I can’t change it. The only thing I can do is try to make the next 40 years, or however much more I have left better, more enjoyable, more fulfilling and fruitful.

The future has no form. It’s my job to mold my present to help make tomorrow more to my liking.

Do you know where you’re going?

Thanks for reading.

Questions and comments welcome.

DouglasHClark.com

Happy Birthday

So it may surprise you to know that today is my birthday.  Yes the conductor of The Inspiration Engine is turning one year older.  I like to think of it as turning one year better.  Now to be honest, I don’t really pay too much attention to birthdays.  It’s not that I don’t care about them; it’s just that to me, a lot of times, it seems repetitive and arbitrary.  However, there is a certain value in reflecting on the past year and seeing if you’ve managed to improve, learn, better yourself, and continue to drive toward the goals of your life mission.  So in that regard, birthdays are a great thing. 

On a personal level I can say that I’m doing pretty well.  Now I’d like to bitch about little things, stuff that irritates me, and stuff that continually hounds me even despite my best efforts to irradiate them from my life.   And trust me, I’ve got some monsters. Well, such is life I suppose.  But I’m not lacking for simple needs and compared to most of the world I’m doing pretty damn well.  I can say there are some things I’ve tried over the last year that have not been very successful, although I’ve had a few successes to counteract the negative.  And I like and need to focus on the positive, as most of you should too.  Some of the most impressive and personally rewarding goals include finishing my thesis and graduating with a master’s degree, taking an acting class (which was hella fun), starting to play the saxophone, continuing to write on my novel, This Blog; actually the list goes on.  To be clear, I’m not bragging.  So why am I telling you this? Because your list should go on and on too.

I look at life like an unfinished book.  Each day adds a page to a certain chapter. And I guess each birthday can mark a new chapter.  Each chapter should be as full of detail and amazing experiences as possible.  Now I know each page can’t be an adventure story, but it would be great if each chapter was.  At the end of my life, I want to look back at my ‘book’ and see that it’s a gigantic story, written not just in one book, but volumes of books.  You can’t get that kind of narrative from sitting on the couch and wishing for ‘what if’ or ‘if only’.  So my birthday comes once a year and I reflect on what I’ve done and what I will be doing, not ‘what if’ I did something, or ‘if only’ I tried. 

So, get out there and start writing your life’s story and make it a long adventure!

Feel free to leave a comment or a question.  I'd love to hear what you're thinking!